Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Year End Begins

Ah, that glorious week between Christmas and New Year's. The time of year where a large part of the population exercises their option to stay away from the office, burning through the last days of their vacation time before they lose it all. That simple week where people, still caught in the good feelings (or intoxication) of one holiday are looking forward to repeating the process all over again in a few short days.

But this week carries with it another responsibility, especially for those of us in the blogosphere. Or for people in the media. Or for anyone that's particularly anal retentive. This week carries with it the need for lists... lists in all shapes and colors, detailing various things about the past year. Well, we here at the Coffee-Soaked Mind are going to partake in this practice, as we know the importance of lists. Still, we're not going to play by the same rules as everyone else. With that said, let's get started... we've got a short week, and we still have to plan out the awards for Friday. Presenting:

The Top Ten Things That Didn't Happen in 2006

10. The New York Yankees won the World Series
Few teams in the world of sports can inspire such fervor and hatred at the same time, sometimes even from the same people. And yet, if anyone can do it, it would have to be a team from New York, NY. While the Mets generally are greeted with indifference, the Yankees are one of the teams for the ages, and their fanbase is along the same lines. People seemed to believe that, by simply spending more than anyone else, they were destined for yet another championship. But no, the Detroit Tigers didn't seem to want to cooperate, saving their collapse for the St. Louis Cardinals. Yankees fans are still in something of a state of shock, and owner George Steinbrenner has reportedly been working on ways to revive both Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth, in his efforts to create a zombie baseball team.

9. Young Hollywood forgot about the existence of underwear
The problem with the notion of the celebutantes forgetting about underwear is that it implies they weren't specifically hoping we'd all get to see what their nether regions looked like. No... these geniuses just couldn't be bothered to keep themselves covered. The trend will unfortunately continue until we see Jared Leto running around without any panties under his skirt.

8. Everyone who wanted one got their Playstation 3 without problems
Yeah, great job on Sony's behalf. Hype something beyond any rational expectations to a subset of the population without any real social skills. Then make them wait in line with other people like them, in the hopes that they would get to be one of the lucky few to spend $600 for a video game system. Add some opportunistic thieves and some truly moronic marketing ploys and you've got a recipe for disaster. And yet, nothing will ever quite rival the person who spent $300 for an Xbox box (video game console not included).

7. Voters delivered a mandate to the White House
Sure, plenty of people believe that the large swing in the balance of power was their way of thumbing their noses at GDub and his crew, especially for the way they handled the war in Iraq. Thing is, to be able to thumb your nose at someone, you need to prove that they have any understanding of your viewpoint. So while the balance of power has shifted, it may take another couple of years before GDub even realizes what's happened.

6. "You" were Time's Person of the Year
No, no, no. "You" fell victim to a marketing ploy by a lazy editorial staff.

5. Global warming was the new black
Sure, we had Al Gore. We had "Happy Feet". We had polar ice caps melting, islands sinking under rising ocean waters, and environmentalists warning about the destruction man had wrought. And yet, at the end of the day, global warming still isn't in the minds of the majority. At best, it's become the next navy blue.

4. There was less overall crazy in the world
Any year that features Tom Cruise as heavily as this past did, especially with regards to his marriage to Katie Holmes, is proof that crazy is alive and well. In fact, it certainly looks like crazy went international in 2006, with a little help from Cruise, Mel Gibson, and Kim Jong-Il.

3. Irony finally, truly died
Even though it certainly appears that irony, along with its close relative sarcasm, has been at death's door for quite awhile now, places like The Daily Show and The Colbert Report have certainly been helping to keep it alive. Even better? The fact that members of the GOP have linked their websites to The Colbert Report, not quite getting that the joke is on them... even after the way Stephen Colbert attacked the press at the White House Correspondents Dinner. On the other hand, stand-up comedy may be about ready to be placed on life support, if Last Comic Standing is any representation of the form.

2. Scarlett Johansson and/or Dakota Fanning appeared in every movie released
Not quite. But it certainly felt like it. All year long. Kind of depressing, because one is simply getting overused, making her looks and talents something that people are starting to get repulsed by, whereas the other is one of those creepy child prodigies, the kind that will simply be attached to every possible role for actors under the age of 16 because they don't sound like an off-balance robot with every line.

1. The world ended
Yes, even though it's sometimes shocking to think, even in light of the things that didn't happen over this past year, existence just keeps plodding on. But hey, look on the bright side. Every year we get closer to achieving this ultimate goal, and I'm sure that when we do, there'll be a future generation that escaped Earth just prior to its destruction, so that a movie can be made of the final days. A movie that will, undoubtedly, star Dakota Fanning and Scarlett Johansson.

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