Friday, May 23, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 19, 2008

Here we are again. It's Friday, the sun is out, and we're ready to run with our awards. Our brains have already checked out for the weekend, so we're just going to dive in.

Whippersnappers Award
People have been fearful that, as the presumptive nominee for the Democratic Party, Barack Obama may pull the age card with regards to John McCain. No worries, folks, as McCain (who, as you may have heard, is older than Velcro and Alaska) did it himself. He has referred to Obama as "young man", and cited a lack of experience based largely on age. McCain was later heard asking people to speak louder, and then berating them to get off of his lawn.

I Don't Like You Anymore Award
But that's not all McCain's done recently. In light of recent comments, the GOP front runner (and, with the exception of the zombie campaign of Ron Paul, the only runner), McCain has decided to reject the endorsements of a couple of religious leaders, due to inflammatory comments such as saying that "Hitler was a hunter" to help guide the Jewish people back to Israel. Within the same day, one of the preachers, John Hagee, decided to pull his endorsement back. Look, McDaddy, if you can't court the insane and violently right-wing Christian ideologues and extremists, then who can?

Next Step: Drive-by Lessons Award
In an attempt to spur on car sales, and possibly to capitalize on comments made by the Democratic candidates on the campaign trail, a Missouri auto dealership is offering a free handgun to anyone who purchases a new car. Well, it's either a gun (referred to as "a nice little handgun that fits in your pocket"), or a voucher for $250 in gas. Oddly enough, people are opting for the gun, figuring that, if times get really bad, they'll be able to get more than one full tank out of the deal.

We Find the Plaintiff Not Marriage Material Award
Last fall, after a fight, a bride cancelled her planned wedding. Many people would either look back in relief, or possibly even laugh at the situation. Not the groom's mother, who has decided to sue the bride over the failed nuptials. Ostensibly, the suit is an attempt to reclaim a deposit on a location. Needless to say, the bride's choice, while potentially expensive, is looking better and better. No word on whether the groom holds out hopes of being able to find anyone else now that this story has come to light.

Read Carefully Award
What would you do if you received an exam form that had a number of the answers on the back? Well, if you're like the vast majority of 12,000 students sitting for a music exam last week, you wouldn't even notice your good fortune. Although questions are being raised as to why a child who was only a drummer was suddenly able to understand key concepts such as pitch, melody, and how to get a girlfriend with a comfortable couch.

Where's the Kite, Charlie Brown? Award
A Pennsylvania man was recently rescued by police after he was found dangling upside down from a tree. His claim? The tree attacked him. Needless to say, the police believe him to have been highly intoxicated, which is kind of like saying that ice hockey requires a cold surface, and that glue can be sticky.

Sticking It To the Stockpile Award
Were you one of those Americans hoping that the current price of gasoline would cause the Energy Secretary to release oil from our strategic reserve? If so, do you still believe in unicorns prancing down the street? After all, both are as likely to happen anytime soon, as the Energy Secretary has refused to release any of the reserves, declaring that we need to save them in "case of emergency". For those playing at home, the definition of emergency is, "When the leaders of the government need to escape from the average citizen, and there's only enough gas to supply our jets and cars."

And on that ever chipper note, we'll be signing off. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend, try not to get burned too badly at the pump, and we'll see you back here on Tuesday. Until then, stay safe out there.

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