Friday, May 30, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 26, 2008

Welcome back to another Friday. Today's awards are going up a little early, because we've got moving to do, but we wanted to make sure to give you your early weekend treat before we headed on our way. With that, let's get rolling.

Burning Down the House Award
We all remember fire safety demonstrations from when we were younger. They taught us valuable lessons, like how to properly use a fire extinguisher, and which wood makes a really big fire. Well, in Great Britain, the demonstrations are being put to an end. Because they're unsafe, and might teach children to battle fires themselves. Other demonstrations under the knife are ones on first aid (they might teach children how to make a proper splint), and model UNs (they might teach children how to withhold oil and other resources from kids they don't like).

Sincerely Yours Award
There are times and places to leave notes. One of those times is not when you're attempting to rob a house, and get frustrated by the safe. And yet, that's exactly what some robbers in Iowa did, after failing to break into the safe. This is why we don't have a safe of our own. We just can't handle the negativity. Well, that, and we're bloggers, so it's not like we have a lot of nice things.

What Would Spinal Tap Think? Award
Scientists may have finally figured out what Stonehenge was used for. According to recent research with radiocarbon dating, it appears that the monument was a burial ground for the wealthy dead. This also explains the engraving that translates to read "Angus. Father of two, loving husband, lousy hunter."

Shocking. Just Shocking Award
In recent history, Scott McClellan, former press secretary to the GDub Administration, has released a memoir detailing what he saw during his time at the White House. Unsurprisingly, the GOP is attacking him as a glory-seeker, and claiming that the entire book is full of lies, forcing McClellan to take to the morning news circuit to defend himself. We count vouch for the whole thing, but we do think it's credible that on page 178, McClellan mentions GDub deferring to VPCheney, and on page 23, he gives a believable description of the kitten-machine that fuels the Vice President.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Threats Award
Show a picture of a nuclear-war destroyed Washington, D.C., and the SITE Intelligence Agency will take notice. Especially when said picture is being posted around Islamic websites. Except the picture was not created by extremists, as SITE originally claimed, but by game developers from Bethesda Softworks. This also explains why SITE is still looking for fire flowers, and why they train their agents to hide in cardboard boxes.

We're Supposed to Read That Thing? Award
Good news, everyone! Israel held an online vote, and they've picked their national bird, the Hoopoe. Bad news, everyone! It's one of the birds that the Book of Leviticus specifically refers to as being abhorrent. What's next? Is the national meat going to be bacon? Because, if so, we can totally get behind that concept.

One Bedroom, with Spacious Closet Award
What's worse than finding a burglar pilfering your food while you're away at work? How about finding out that said burglar is actually a homeless person who's been living in your closet for a year? You'd think the panhandler in the bathroom might have been a bit of a tip-off.

Well, that wraps up our awards for another week. We'll see you next week, refreshed and ready to tackle another round of primaries. Will these be the ones that finally sound the Clinton death knell, or is she still planning on surviving longer than Indiana Jones? We'll just have to wait to find out. Stay safe out there.

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