Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of April 30, 2007

Hard to believe, but another month has zipped past, leaving only a trail of dust, and the vague recollection of a presidential debate, in it's wake. We're now dealing with May, and the inherent allergies, and presidential debates, that the fifth month of the year brings. So, as we inch ever closer to the first real outdoor party weekend of the year (we, of course, are speaking about Memorial Day), we've got another slew of awards to present. So let's get it started.

Racism Unedited Award
This award easily goes to Don Imus and his lawyers, for their lawsuit of his termination. Apparently, the major argument they have is that the producers of his program could have easily edited out the offensive commentary, and, when they didn't, they proved that it was fairly standard language from him. Or, y'know, Imus could have edited the comments himself. By not saying them.

Gettin' to Know 'Em Award
This goes out to the GOP presidential hopefuls, who held their first debate of the campaign last night, only one week behind the Democrats. Where the Dems didn't do much to differentiate themselves from each other, the GOP had few difficulties making those distinctions. Rudy Giuliani made it clear that he's not as staunchly anti-abortion as his opponents, John McCain trumpeted his war platform, and Mitt Romney reversed on an earlier position about the lengths the US should go towards capturing Osama bin Laden. Meanwhile Thomas Tancredo and Ron Paul joined forces in an aborted attempt to form Voltron, hoping to court the ever-present geek vote.

Gilmore? More like Gil-less Award
We don't often focus on television or films, but every once in awhile, we feel the need to step into that portion of the world. News has hit us that, after a successful seven-year run, Gilmore Girls will be finishing it's story this season. Now, we didn't watch the show much ourselves, but we did hear that it was famous for rapid-patter dialogue, and a "parent as best-friend" feel to the two main characters. Of course, the cancellation of the series will lead perpetually baby-voiced actress Alexis Bledel hoping to mine the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants series until we reach the penultimate installment, Motherhood of the Travelling Muumuu.

400 Years in the Making Award
Queen Elizabeth II is on American shores, and part of her travel arrangements include visiting the historic Jamestown Settlement in Virginia. The settlement was the first permanent English colony in America, and was originally founded 400 years ago. The Queen is visiting Jamestown with the first leader of the colony, VPCheney.

Sweet. Morbid, but Sweet Award
We give this award to Basanta Roy of India, who has spent the past six years mourning for his deceased wife. From the grave. When Roy's wife died in the 1990's, he dug his own grave near to hers, and has been waiting there for his own demise. Meanwhile, Courtney Love is continuing to profit off of her own husband's death, but is still unable to find her own Nirvana.

Canada Gets Edgy Award
Oh, those silly Canadians. Not only do they have too little for their legislature to do, but now they're tired of being branded as a nice, friendly place. To counteract this, The Beaver magazine, published by Canada's National History Society, is holding a poll to find Canada's worst villains. Near the top of the pack are Celine Dion and Shania Twain. Howie Mandel is being considered solely for his contribution of "Deal or No Deal".

Worst Fire Drill Ever Award
We give this to the bosses of Robbs department store in Hexham, Northumberland. Apparently, with an imminent store closing, the bosses pulled a fire alarm, and then met employees in the parking lot with the cheerful news that, while their response time was good, their time left at their job was not. Fired employees have been quoted as saying, "That's the last time I respond to a fire alarm." No reports from the boy who cried, "Wolf" simply to see if his parents could settle their divorce amicably.

Nice Work, Take the Rest of the Year Off Award
We know it's only May. But maybe Time magazine hasn't gotten that memo. The people at Time have already released their top 100 of 2007, thereby taking the pressure off of everyone. If you didn't make the list, well, there's no need to try any harder for the rest of this year. And if you did, congratulations. You can coast through until December. Noticeably omitted from the list is GDub, because quite obviously the creator of "30 Rock" had far more influence than the man who continues to lead a nation with nothing more than a dartboard and a couple of marbles.

Well, since Time has given us all a bit of clear sailing for the rest of 2007, we're going to wrap up our posts for this week here. But don't worry, we're going to keep plugging away, and we'll be back on Monday, nursing a slight hangover from the margaritas and Dos Equis that we'll be imbibing. After all, to get ready for Memorial Day, we've got to celebrate Cinco de Mayo properly. And that means tequila and siestas. Stay safe out there.