Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 21, 2007

Welcome to Friday, and another session of the Coffee-Soaked Awards. It's the start to the Memorial Day weekend, so naturally, we're trying to avoid the roads as everyone clears out of the big cities and heads into the country for a spell (except for a few of our readers, who actually made a point of heading TO a bigger city for this weekend). Of course, with gas prices as they are, we're pretty sure we could make it about ninety minutes before our wallets started crying. But that's neither here nor now. So let's get rolling with the awards, shall we? Our thanks once again go out to Robin W. for submitting us a few of the stories we're covering.

Sometimes, We Report Award
FOXNews has moved away from their previous "Fair and Balanced" tagline to "We Report, You Decide". Well, a recent study shows that, out of the three major cable news networks, FNC covered the Iraq war far less than the other two, with MSNBC taking the lead. But where did FOX reign supreme? In the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith's death, which they talked about almost as much as they did the war itself. This of course sparks the age-old debate of "bombs or boobs... bombs or boobs." Benny Hill couldn't be reached for comment.

When Emo's Attack Award
The good folks of Utah are just a little behind the times. In fact, a recent investigative report on ABC4 discusses a dangerous growing trend amonst Utah teenagers. That trend? Not drug abuse, not teen pregnancy. No, the trend is being "emo", which the reporter helpfully describes as being "an abbreviation for emotional." Apparently, this reporter believes this to be a new trend, obviously unfamiliar with things like My Chemical Romance or even The Cure. We fully expect that, next year, Utah will talk about the dangers of being a "hipster" at some point, and possibly even start mentioning that great new FOX program, "The O.C." It also makes us wonder what's more dangerous to teenagers, being emo, or being in Utah?

Day Late and a Dollar... Well Award
When the police in Oslo, Norway, decided to enact a new pickpocketing prevention program (ah... alliteration... anyways, back to the story), they didn't realize that they'd be starting it too late to help someone in need of such a policy. That person? The chief of police for the Norwegian capital. The chief even was following the suggestions of the department as to where to carry his wallet, and said the theft "wasn't very nice". Expect Oslo to enact a new policy next week, where the police learn how to stop crimes happening to them.

What Could Go Wrong? Award
We give this to Wal-Mart. Admittedly, we don't talk much about the megolithic chain store, but that's because they're generally so bland that they don't show up on our radar. Well, apparently they decided that, since places like Target and J.C. Penny have their own clothing lines, the low-cost giant should get involved in the mix. After a year where they created clothes that incorporated the SS "Death's Head", amongst other ill-conceived notions, they've decided to fold the line. Reports are that some of the clothes were so bad, that shoppers actually went elsewhere to avoid accidentally picking out something. Thrift stores are already crying foul at the expected glut of ill-fitting and poorly designed clothes headed their way, preferring to rely on the old stand-bys of military surplus and workman's coveralls.

Bees on a Plane Award
What happens when you combine a swarm of bees with the engine of a passenger plane? Well, in Bournemouth, England, you get the plane coming to a swift landing to try and get it back up to snuff. Neither Samuel L. Jackson nor Jerry Seinfeld could be reached for comment.

You Light Up My, Um... Award
Are you afraid of getting lost on a dance floor, or out at a sporting event? Perhaps you need to use yourself as a beacon to help the helicopters find you and other stranded passengers after you crashed into that deserted island. Well, fear no more, as David Lee has brought to the world the GloFur collection, complete with light-up bikinis, skirts, and fur coats. We fully expect the next development to be the "mood bikini", letting everyone know how you're feeling based off of the color of your breasts.

Parole or a Good SPF Award
Speaking of bikinis, that's exactly what some women in Sweden are asking for. But these aren't your average women. No, these women are in prison for various crimes. The women are complaining that they are being discriminated against, because they don't get to sunbathe properly, the way the rest of Sweden does. Expect Cinemax to show up soon with a box of bikinis and a film crew.

You Can Dance If You Want To Award
Sometimes, when the spirit moves you, you just have to dance. And sometimes, the spirit moves your dancing right into the middle of a mandala created by Tibetan monks, destroying the image that created eight monks two days to make. Followers of other religions prepared stones to hurl at the boy until the monks simply shrugged, rubbed their bald heads, and simply vowed to work harder next time. Meanwhile, the dancing boy has been contracted to work as a judge on next year's "Dancing with the Deities".

Well, we're going to dance our way out of here for another week. It's been an eventful turn of the calendar page this time around, but next week could be a bit quieter, what with it being a shorter week, after all. We'll be back on Tuesday. Until next time, stay safe out there.