Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 7, 2007

Spring is in the air, the pollen is bursting out of every available flower (and some very unavailable ones), and allergies are running high. Nature itself seems to be having a bit of an allergic reaction, with wildfires breaking out across the country, and a very premature tropical storm appearing in the Atlantic. Meanwhile, the news has continued to cough up real gems. So let's examine a few of those with the Kleenex we call the weekly awards round-up.

Welcome to (R-Rated) Flavor Country Award
The Motion Picture Association of America has long used a ratings system based off of the amount of sexual content or violence portrayed in films, and has also determined ratings due to language. Well, a new ruling by the MPAA may allow for harsher ratings due to the portrayal of smoking in the film, as well. Guess this means that Curious George and the Marlboro Red Pack will be getting at least a PG-13, thereby prohibiting the only group of viewers who could tolerate the sequel.

Hey Grandpa, Listen to this Song. Grandpa? Award
A recent study presented at the Heart Rhythm Society in Denver, CO determined that iPods and other mp3 players may cause interference with pacemakers. Just keep that in mind the next time you want to play the newest Killers track for your grandparents. The band's name may just become prophetic. In other news, the majority of pacemaker wearers thought that an iPod was something you found iPeas in.

Insert Downhome Catchphrase Here Award
With reports of flooding in Missouri, we have now learned a new system of measurement. Holt County Sheriff Kirby Felumb has been quoted as saying that the water rose to "a hillbilly's whisker from going over in several places." In the metric system, the "hillbilly's whisker" has been replaced with the rougly equivalent "aristocrat's eyelash", with 100 of those equalling 1 "American's mullet".

Hey, Kool-Aid Man! Award
We never really wanted to imagine that someone would combine the super-sweet flavors of Kool-Aid with the familiar tang of dill pickles, but then again, we never imagined that Paris Hilton would ever see the inside of a jail cell. Oddly enough, both of those things seem to be happening, and gaining plenty of coverage this week. As far as the Kool-Aid pickles goes, their prime market seems to be children. We feel that now is a good time to point out that kids also eat tape, paste, and lint. No reason.

You Call That a Fifth Movement? Award
The Boston Pops had rehearsed in preparation for their concert to open the current season. What they didn't prepare for was a fistfight breaking out in the balcony. The fight started in the middle of a rendition of "Gigi". Apparently, the men believed it to be a rendition of "Gigli", and believed that fighting was the only way to save themselves from the horror. The Pops is now regretting its decision to pull "Eye of the Tiger" from the opening night concert.

Crossed Off Award
We give this award to Milan's Mangiagalli maternity clinic, for their decision to remove crucifixes from their rooms, replacing them with images of the Virgin Mary. The clinic didn't want to offend immigrant women, and wanted to use an image that was less religious than the cross. Other things that the clinic believes to be less religious than the crucifix include the Bible, crowns of thorns, and a coupon for a free baptism.

Does This Dress Make Me Smell Drunk? Award
Fashion designers are always on the lookout for new materials, but who would've expected them to find any in a vineyard? Gary Cass, of the University of Western Australia, found a way to form dresses out of the cellulose produced as wines turn to vinegar. Of course, for the time being, the dresses must be kept wet to keep the thin "fabric" from becoming brittle and tearing. The Kennedy family has already perfected their own similar fashion trend, called "drinking ourselves silly and spilling on our clothes".

Hello, 911? I'm Lonely Award
This award goes out to a woman in Juneau, WI, who decided to call 911 in order to request a nanny. The woman specifically referred to the call as a "Nanny 911". She has also recently been depressed to learn that her "ER" isn't full of attractive doctors with dramatic life stories, and that, due to excessive television watching, she wouldn't be much of a "Survivor" in an "Amazing Race". She has also been found praying to her patron saint, the all-powerful Oprah of Winfrey, in hopes of finding keys to a new car randomly under her dining room chair.

Kneedeep in the (Hula) Hoop-la Award
Ashrita Furman, NY, receives this award, for deciding that he was going to make yet another mark in the Guinness Book of World Records, this time for underwater hula hooping. Furman is also the holder of a number of other world records, most notably the record of holding the most world records. In related news, everyone pretty much agrees that Furman (and the news team that followed his latest attempt) has too much free time on his hands.

Well, that wraps up another week of awards, as we scour the news in our own fashion. Thanks for coming along on the ride yet again. Special thanks to RW for connecting us to a number of the stories we ran down today. Come back next week, when we find out not only how long Paris Hilton will actually spend in jail, but how long it will be before FOX decides to make a series out of it. Stay safe out there.