Friday, May 18, 2007

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 14, 2007

Welcome to another run-down of the week's news, with the Coffee-Soaked Awards. The air is warm, and the news is as fresh as we can hope for it to be. And we wouldn't have it any other way. So let's get this show on the road.

Do as I Say Award
We give this award to Hector Pulido of Bridgeport, Connecticut, for deciding to demonstrate to his 3-year-old nephew that biting people is wrong. Of course, Hector demonstrated this by proceeding to bite the child himself. No surprise, but the nephew refers to Pulido as "Uncle Bitey", while calling his other uncles, "Uncle Giving-Me-Presents-That-Make-Noise-and-Not-Biting-Me". No report on whether Pulido gave the child a fork to demonstrate that sticking things in light sockets is also wrong.

Springtime for Nudists in Brattleboro Award
You don't generally think of Vermont as being a large nudist destination. And yet, the town of Brattleboro is being plagued by residents who, like the trees and flowers, are deciding to show a bit more of their own foliage. Rev. Kevin Horion even stated, "I am concerned we don't know where they are going to strike." Um, they're nudists. They don't really strike. They do, however, flounce, bounce, pose, and stroll.

Return of the Knoll Award
Conspiracy theorists have long surmised that Lee Harvey Oswald was not solely responsible for the assassination of JFK. New research put forth suggests that the "evidence used to rule out a second assassin is fundamentally flawed", thereby creating more room for speculation. Neither Fox Mulder or Dr. Sam Beckett could be reached for comment.

Special Needs Award
We give this award to Rosie M. Costello, who forced her two children to act as though they were mentally retarded, so she could collect extra Social Security money. The real crime for Costello is that she didn't realize television producers would pay millions for people to pretend just that (we cite Johnny Knoxville, Andy Dick, and Paris Hilton).

Doing Drugs to Move Drugs Award
We can only assume that the woman responsible for packing 17.4kg of heroin into a refrigerator before trying to ship it via DHL had ingested some of the heroin herself before coming up with the scheme. Everyone knows that, if you want to ship drugs quickly and efficiently, you use FedEx.

Jerry the Matchmaker Award
We thought about calling this, "I Now Pronounce You Dumb and Ass", but the story doesn't contain a marriage. A Minnesota man decided that he would try and win his ex-wife back in the most romantic of ways. His steps? First, get a restraining order placed against him. Second, go on "Jerry Springer". Third, watch as hilarity ensues, complete with landing in jail for violation of your restraining order, amongst other things. We fully expect him to appeal to the highest court in the land, The People's Court.

Well, that wraps things up for us here. The sun is shining, the day is bright, and we'd rather not wade into the morass of either Wolfowitz or Hilton. Come back next week, when we're fairly positive that there'll be even more (possibly inane) stories about these two, and whether or not GDub thinks that either one did a "heckuva job" (which seems to be a death knell for his appointees). Stay safe out there.

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