Take that, sweatshirts!

You know, it's about time that someone stepped in and worked to protect our children even more. After all, we've been working to remove hazards to their lives, such as lead paint and mercury as a medicine. So it's about time that finally another one of the many dangers pervading our children's lives is seeing it's time come to a close. And, of course, we mean that the companies that produce this particular hazard are starting get the fines they so justly deserve.

You may be wondering just what could be such a danger to our children that recently, nine different companies were fined. That hazard, which is worse than child labor laws, metal slides, and food allergies combined can only be known by one name.

The ever elusive drawstring.

That's right folks. It's time we put an end to this danger. Too many children have been harmed by drawstrings. After all, when literally dozens of children have died in the past two decades due to accidents involving drawstrings, it's time that we put a stop to it.

Wait. Dozens? In twenty years? Really? More people (and children) die from food allergies than from that. Are we going to start fining companies that produce nutritious snacks, too? Thank goodness that we have something called the Consumer Product Safety Commission to remind us that drawstrings, which have been fine but for the random freak accident, are a defective part of the fashion.

Look, if we don't allow children to have shirts with drawstrings, how are we going to prepare them to become the hoodie-wearing gangs of the future? And if they don't get drawstring pants, we're doing a vast disservice to our future generations of slobs.

Please. Think of the slobs.