Friday, August 29, 2008

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of August 25, 2008

The DNC is over! The DNC is over! We can finally go about our regular business! Wait, what's that? The RNC is coming? And, instead of it being half-way across the country, it'll be right in our backyards? Great... just great. And then, it's only a matter of months before we can start seeing the campaigns get rolling for 2012. So let's move on to our awards, shall we?

Beyond the Palin Award
We finally know who the GOP VP candidate is going to be, and we have to say that we're fully in support. While we didn't think British citizens were eligible, we just loved what he did in "A Fish Called Wanda". What's that? It's not Michael Palin, but Sarah Palin? But, um... okay.

Rock You Like A Hurricane Award
So we stated above that the RNC is coming to our backyard. It's supposed to start Monday. What else is supposed to start Monday? According to early reports, the flooding of the Gulf Coast region, as Gustav may be making landfall then. The Republicans are considering postponing the start of the convention, marking one of the few times in history that they haven't wanted to relive the past. GDub has already prepared a "Levees Accomplished" banner.

It Burns, Burns, Burns Award
What would you do if you became the literal subject of the old "Liar, liar" rhyme? If you're like a driver in Maine, you'd just calmly pull over, take off your pants, and leave them on the side of the road. A witness claims that the victim of the inadvertent flames was a redhead, but may simply have been thinking "Firecrotch".

Next Time, Bring Nerf Award
We've probably never said this before, but we've definitely thought about it. If you really feel the need to try to rob someone, especially if said person is a drug dealer, bring a gun that isn't plastic. Not unless it's full of tasty hot sauce.

Try a Microwave Burrito Award
What would you do if your mother failed to have dinner ready for you on time? Well, for most people still living with their mothers, you might cry, or refuse to do your homework. For a 55-year-old man in Florida, he decided that he needed to threaten his mother, and then the President. After all, GDub's lasagnas always take too long to cook.

Duck! Award
Researchers have recently determined that the common house fly has actually modified its brain chemistry to the point that they instinctively avoid fly swatters. The researchers have also developed tips to help people combat the insects. Oddly enough, no research has been done into how scientists have modified their brain chemistry to the point where they instinctively study things that seem frivolous.

Pole Position Award
A woman in Pennsylvania has sued the county she lives in, because they won't let her open a dance studio for exercise purposes. Correction, a dance studio utilizing pole dancing and lap dancing for exercise purposes. She's faced some stiff opposition, but she's thrust the suit into their laps, hoping that she can drive a hard bargain. We're certain she could change their minds if she could get them to come inside.

And, on that note, we're going to wrap up our awards for this week. We've got to towel off for a bit in between the big conventions. Odds that the newly appointed GOP VP choice makes the candidate himself look even older, and more like Emperor Palpatine (or Larry Flynt)? We're setting the bar right around 4:1, and we don't know a thing about odds. Stay safe out there.

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