Friday, May 22, 2009

Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of May 18, 2009

Here we are again, getting ready for the weekend. But this weekend is bound to be more full than others, because it's a holiday weekend. That, naturally, means not a whole lot, other than the high likelihood of an extra day off of work. In honor of that, let's get rolling with the awards.

Pants vs Skins Award
What seems like a reasonable reaction to being involved in a domestic dispute? If you said "strip naked", you might have more in common with a couple in South Carolina than you might think. Apparently, in downtown Seneca, the couple were fighting, with the man stripped down to pants, and the woman completely naked. Listen, we know it's been warm recently, but that's just ridiculous.

Puppetry Award
We respect that people have found ways to pass the time, and some of those ways are more inventive than others. But, just a quick word of advice. If you're looking for recreational fun, we don't suggest standing over an air conditioner intake and using any part of your body as a puppet. That goes double if you've decided to use your penis. Doesn't anybody just flash people like the good old days anymore?

Managing the Trois Award
Oh look, another story about indecent acts in public. Apparently, a couple decided to get frisky at a sports field, already drawing extra attention from passersby. How could they make it worse? Including a third person who simply asked to join. So looks like the answer to the question we posed above is a resounding "No."

Going Halfsies Award
So how about something wholesome? Maybe shift away from the sex stories for a bit? Instead, how about we mention the most recent girl to achieve fame for auctioning off her virginity. As it turns out, she may have to give up half of the money for tax purposes. Looks like, in one auction, she ended up getting screwed twice.

All In Award
Alright, fine. Shifting off of the sex stories for a bit, let's talk about people doing some minor gambling at home. A home rummy game went afoul when two of the guests decided to pepper spray their host, and steal upwards of $600. Yes, the two were caught, after driving into a fence, and the bail was set at $25,000. No word on what hands the two were holding when they left, but their lack of forward thinking could actually indicate winning cards. Guess they wanted to make it home for "American Idol".

Can You Hear Me Now? Award
Leave it to Verizon to show their concern for their customers. A 62-year-old man went missing, and, when the police contacted his cell phone provider to try and help track him down through the phones GPS technology, they found the service was shut off. But, naturally, it was reinstated immediately. Or the company refused to do so unless $20 was paid on an overdue bill. Luckily, the man was found, and may consider switching, not wanting to get caught in a dead zone.

Pretty Pretty Poltergeist Award
You know, if there's one concern we had towards Ouija boards, it's that they were just too gender neutral. Thank heavens you can buy a pink one now. We expect that a lot of questions to the board will now revolve around how lame a pink Oujia board is.

Changing Industry Award
In a recent study, it turns out that more Americans have played video games in the past six months than have gone to the movies. And, as has been prophesied before, the time is coming where the geek truly shall inherit the earth. You know, provided they can tolerate sunlight long enough to last outside. We're confident that price, quality, and length of enjoyment are certainly not factors in this.

And that wraps up our awards for another week. Enjoy the Memorial Day weekend, and, if you can, try and catch a movie. It'll give your thumbs a rest. Stay safe out there.

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