Coffee-Soaked Awards - Week of June 29, 2009

We thought about taking a second week off from the awards, but we just couldn't bring ourselves to take it that far. Last week was different, what with all the chaos going on away from our CSM offices (okay, so it's just a computer), but this week, even in light of the upcoming holiday, we're here to make sure to dispense plenty of awards for crazy news. So let's get started.

Through the Looking Glass Award
Remember when Al Franken was just a satirist working on "Saturday Night Live"? Well, now that he's (finally) been selected as Minnesota's second senator, he may find himself getting spoofed by his former employers. Of course, given recent history, any upcoming sketch regarding Franken will probably end up just as funny as the recent recount.

Number 9, Number 9, Number 9 Award
How do you celebrate your eight drunk driving conviction? If you're a Wisconsin man, you might just go for your ninth. Naturally, the man claimed that he wasn't drunk at the time, and that the parked cars and lawns simply refused to get out of his lane.

Professional Award
Of course, while the Wisconsin man may be something of a drunk-driving celebrity, he's got nothing on a man from New Jersey, who recently admitted to his 15th DWI arrest. Not because he had more offenses on his record (the WI resident also has 15 DWI convictions, if you count ones before 1989), but because the NJ resident did it ten years quicker. What happens in Newark...

Sex Ed Award
Let's say that you're a teacher, intending on giving your students a DVD full of things for them to cherish from the past year. Let's say that you also made an amateur sex recording with your significant other. Would you check to make sure that the two weren't spliced together somehow? If so, you're doing better than a California teacher, who found out about her mistake shortly after giving the DVD to 5th grade students. Well, she did want to give them something to remember.

Tragically Hip Award
Movie marketers have discovered that there's a large potential audience that they don't know quite how to reach. If you read that first sentence and guessed "hipsters", you're absolutely correct. If you read that first sentence, thought back to some of Hollywood's previous offerings, and thought "people with working brain cells", sorry, but you just missed the boat.

Closed for Business Award
What's one of the surest ways to display a closed mind? According to a recent study, be unsure of your beliefs. The study showed that the less confident you are in your beliefs, the more likely you are to shut out contrary viewpoints. This still doesn't explain for a moment news pundits, who simply shut out contrary viewpoints so that they can yell about them.

Triangular Award
Yes, it's true. Hollywood has run out of ideas. What's next, a movie around a soda?

And that wraps up our awards for yet another week. Enjoy your holiday weekend, and we'll see you on Monday. Stay safe out there.